Identifying a phoenix

Phoenix 1.

(in classical mythology) a unique bird that lived for five or six centuries in the Arabian desert, after this time burning itself on a funeral pyre and rising from the ashes with renewed youth to live through another cycle.

(Ignore this definition as it is not what I mean at all)
Phoenix (mine). And idea or emotion that comes from the outside and changes you suddenly and intensely.

I had the pleasure recently of messaging with Ms A who brought a phoenix into my life many years ago. Tonight I had the pleasure of another phoenix.

These birds have been visting me more often of late, so I thought it would would be good to describe what I mean.

A phoenix is not a person; it is an idea, created by a person in your head.
It could be someone long dead or someone intimately alive that evokes a feeling so powerful as to make you believe you are in love or lust. A poem, a look, a conversation. A kiss. But confusing the person with the spark they have ignited in you is the cause of much strife. You mythologise the individual when it is the idea you should appreciate.

A phoenix is ephemeral
Sure, the phoenix may live for 600 years, but you will see it only briefly, in the moment of it's rebirth in your mind. I never knew what semiotics meant until last week. Now I know there is a word for what happens in my head when I see genius art or read a thrilling book. A word that has existed for 60+ years descended to earth in a fiery blaze of neurons. 45 years of my existence were transformed in a moment. A phoenix was born and ascended to the rather tatty heaven of my mind.

A phoenix means fire
Whether it is the hearth fire that brings warmth or the forest fire that destroys all before it, there will be fire. A phoenix does not come quietly. A phoenix does not wait at the door. Ready or not the phoenix descends from the heavens and blazes through your mind. Expect it.

The phoenix is fascinating
Fascinate: from Latin fascinat- ‘bewitched’, from the verb fascinare, from fascinum ‘spell, witchcraft’.
Yes! The greatest ventures and greatest heartbreaks come from fascination. The phoenix seduces you, burns you, changes you. If I were a reasonable man, perhaps I could analyse this for you. I cannot. I am enamoured of the seduction.

Whether it is cresting the mound of Venus or trudging the wastelands of Hades. Whether I am Persephone picking flowers or Demeter denuding the earth. Drag queen or dungeon master; earl or indentured man; sultan or slave; I am bewitched when the phoenix touches me with it's flames.

The phoenix does not obey the 10 commandments
(Yeah, whatevs. Nor do I.)
Or any other law for that matter. Phoenix don't care.

You can keep the phoenix out, but you cannot make it come in
An obstinate mind will block the phoenix every time. A receptive mind creates the space for the phoenix to land. Then you wait. That is all you can do.


16 years ago MS A put me in her car and drove me to a doctor. Without that act of kindness I would not be writing tonight. There were many other moments on the road that brought me here, but that was one of them.

A phoenix. A rebirth. A moment.